Wouldn’t it be great if we didn’t have to feel pain? I know for definite, that I would absolutely love that. If I didn’t have to put up with what I’ve put up with; then maybe I could once feel what it’s like to be fully happy and normal. But; I suppose we all have our flaws don’t we, we all have the one thing in our life that hurts us, for me, it’s the most obvious which is probably what a lot of people say, their look and weight, but, I’ve done drastic things which, I’m sorry, but, I was proud of; I just want this all to stop – I want to be normal and until I feel like I’m the person I want to be and that I’m normal, then I don’t think I can feel the way I want to. But, this is where the other side of a human comes from, being strong, so, with that in mind, I want to share an extract from a diary I kept and showed to my psychologist.
“I wish that I didn’t, but I have. It’s been 6 weeks since I last did it, but it have. I just want this to end, I want to have who I am back, but; I’m going to have to wait now – this is not me, I’m not proud to be who I am, I’m ugly. Really and truthfully without no doubt in my mind, I’m fat and ugly and until I get rid of this, then I’m not me. This is not who I am. Today was difficult, I ate my lunch, whilst wanting to hurl at the sight of me holding food, and I just continued making people think that I’m normal and that nothing hurts. But, I’m sorry, everything hurts and until you sort that out, it’ll keep on hurting. So I rose from my seat and went downstairs to the toilet, I had to make sure no one was there, and, placing my fingers in my mouth I started to throw up what I had just eaten. It hurt for the first time, but no, I felt like I was a pro in it, all you had to do was to keep it secret…”
However; mine isn’t secret now. I did keep it locked up inside me for 4 months, but, that was when I done it on and off. Doing it 5 times a week I snapped and had to tell, now all my friends now. The only problem is, I was comfortable with it and I still are not happy with what I looked like. This isn’t me and until I feel like I am who is perfect, then, obviously, neither life nor I is perfect. Right?